Day in the Life of an Anti Vaxx Queen <3

By: Lesbian Niece

Hey sisters! I’ve been getting a lot of questions about my lifestyle and how I manage my day as an empowered anti-vaxx mother, wife, and woman. Luckily for you, I’ve created a nifty little times-table that’ll have you living like me in no time!

6:00 A.M— Wake up and curse Joe Biden for poisoning our water supply, burning our crops, and delivering a plague onto all our houses.

8:30— Time to wake the kids up! I make sure to be extra gentle, since they’re going through something of a midlife crisis now. What do you mean they’re only three and six?

9:00— Get ready to film a video for my learn-sing-play-children’s-songs-and-learning YouTube account! I’m going to teach the younglings how to count, which means I need to practice counting to twenty in the mirror. This time I’m really gonna do it.

11:00— Complain about vaccines being unsafe and ineffective whilst describing everything that makes a vaccine safe and effective.

12:00— ...8, 9, 10,… fuck

2:00— Study the word of Christ.

3:00— Time to pick up the kids home from school! They colored maps of the globe and in retaliation I will make a Facebook rant. Facebook is my Gospel and my Truth.

5:00— Mommy and me vlog!! We went to Whole Foods :)

6:00— Film said educational YouTube video in which I count to 10, get tired, and make my husband count the rest of the numbers. I get off to the fear in his eyes. I will put stock images over the video, and it will get 10K views.

7:00— Catch my fucking husband trying to escape again. I lock him in the closet and throw his plate of dinner to the dogs. You know the kind, those crumpled napkin looking things with the crust around their eyes.

8:00— Convince teenagers not to take the vaccine lest their wombs become barren with infertility. If my lesbian niece doesn’t have a goddamn baby the population will diminish, and we’ll have to fill in the gaps Alabama style.

8:15— Look up new words to call my lesbian niece. I like this new one that starts with a—

9:00— Fill out my Community Defenders of Choice vaccine exemption card! I shall live powerfully, I shall live free.

12:00— Tell my husband I never loved him, read the Bible, and go to sleep. If the children get up in the middle of the night, it will simply be my fucking husband’s issue <3

That’s all there is to it! With a little bit of white hypocrisy, internalized misogyny, and $70 to spend on a Trump poster, you too can be an anti-vaxx queen.