Fraudulent Magician Arrested

On the evening of October 3rd at 7:26 pm, a magician was arrested under the pseudonym The Amazing Magical Blythe, a name he got from a BuzzFeed quiz. The Amazing Magical Blythe had been hired to perform magic tricks in the park for a 10 year old’s birthday party and had excitedly shown up with many props. 

He started simple, calling a member up from the crowd and, in an attempt to draw the same card as them, he accidentally pulled and revealed the participant’s social security number. The show continued as he pulled off his hat, he had many witnesses look into his hat to confirm that it was empty before saying the magic words, “Abra Kadabra Rabbita Achooa”. He turned his hat upside down, releasing 23 rabid squirrels and 8 hamsters into the park right beside the swingset. He quickly moved onto a box, once again asking for a volunteer from the crowd to participate. Seven year old Micheal Andrews volunteered and entered the box. The Amazing Magical Blythe did successfully manage the trick of making him disappear; however Micheal remains missing today as The Amazing Magical Blythe failed to return him to his mother safely. By this time, local police began to receive calls about a failed and dangerous magician. 

The Amazing Magical Blythe, later revealed to be high school janitor Mark Jamenson, moved onto cutting his partner in half. His partner had been stuck in traffic after “Blythe” had performed a trick, temporarily blinding the local crossing guard. Blythe's partner made a show of getting into the box, not realizing this would be the last time she performed with Blythe. Blythe made quick cuts and cut his partner in half; however, he failed to reattach her legs to her torso. 

Blythe left his partner to move onto one of his final tricks that he had seen performed once before, he called up the birthday boy, described the boy’s appearance, held a cloth over the boy, repeated some gibberish, and the boy appeared into a painting. Once again Blythe fails to have the knowledge of how to return or fix his participants. 

As police arrived on the scene Blythe was making one last attempt at a magic trick: mind reading. He accidentally revealed that a child was adopted, another was a mistake, and that a husband hated his wife's cooking and the shape of her ears, which resulted in the couple's divorce. Luckily now they don’t have to explain to their child that she’s adopted so ultimately it was a win for coparenting. 

The police arrested The Amazing Magical Blythe and called in a team of much better magicians to begin to fix the mess that Blythe had caused, and along with animal control for the rabid squirrels. Later, a polycule of lesbian witches appeared on scene, repairing Blythe’s partner and requesting that she join their coven and offering aid in legal advice. 

Following the arrest of Blythe, the school is now in desperate need of a new janitor and are also looking for a librarian as Miss. Garcia, the now former librarian, was his assistant and has joined the coven. Please email t0t4llyn0rmal3mail@gmail.com for job details on how to apply.

Ultimately the Amazing Magical Blythe is being investigated for identity theft, the disappearance of the children, performing magic without a license, forgery of magic degree, and illegal squirrel breeding. 

The trial will be held on October 10th at 10 am.