Fuck Them Kids

By: an adult by legal terms

The effects that media has on children has always been, and will likely continue to be, one of the hottest, most talked about topics in the news. People love to jump on Twitter (which I will only be referring to as Twitter) and ask: but what about the children? It’s the go-to defense for republicans whenever faced with something they don’t like—they’re attacking our children! They’re indoctrinating them! They’re turning them gay! Everyone is always so damn concerned about the children.

And why shouldn't they be? They are, after all, the ones who will inherit the world after we’re long gone. We need to make sure they’re brought up right (left) and that they learn how to handle themselves. To ensure that, I propose that we need to make use of the most effective teaching tactic there is: we need to scare these fucking kids more.

Do you want to know why I always cut up the plastic six-pack rings that you get when you buy packs of soda? Because when I was but a wee child I watched the movie Happy Feet, and I was so terrified by the scene of the penguin being strangled by one of those plastic rings that I literally cried and begged my mom to never throw them out without cutting them up ever again. Fear is, without a doubt, the best way to teach children a lesson.

Want them to learn to look both ways before crossing the road? Show them someone getting run over and absolutely squashed into the street until their body is literally part of the asphalt. Don’t just stop at showing them pictures of ugly lungs affected by years of smoking, take them on a class field trip to a hospital room to watch a smoker straight up die of lung cancer right in front of their eyes. Dads, you’ll love this one—if your kid is struggling in their geometry class, hold a loaded gun to their head and tell them they have three tries to get the problem right.

Not to sound like an icky boomer, but kids these days have it way too easy. They’re so desensitized to everything they’re practically fearless, and we need to fix that. Sure they can brave their way through horror games and daily breaking news alerts about unimaginable terrors, but I’d like to see them try not to pee their pants if they had to face any of the stuff they’re constantly scrolling past on social media in real life. We have to take to the fucking streets! When you see kids out trick-or-treating for Halloween this year, don’t just mosey on up to them and say boo. Bring a knife and any lesson of your choosing, and then fuck those kids up!!!! (Mentally, The Squirrel does not advocate for actual violence against children.) (......Most of the time.)