Headlines & Advertisements

Tomorrow’s Headline:

• BREAKING: LAWYERS INVOLVED IN PROPERTY FRAUD CASE DROP CLIENTS, DECLARE THEY ARE “GETTING AWAY FROM ALL THIS”. RUMORED TO HAVE ESCAPED INTO CRATER LAKE

• CARDINAL ROBIN TO BE HONORED WITH PIERRE ULYSSES SKWERELLE CITIZENSHIP AWARD

• BEAU LOSES BUS INSPECTOR POSITION TO SHERWOOD, GIVES PERFECTLY ADEQUATE CONCESSION SPEECH. SHERWOOD STATES “SEE? I TOLD YOU HE’S A LOSER”

• CITIZENS CALL FOR TOWING OF POLICE CAR NEXT TO DONUT SHOP, POLICEMAN REFUSES TO TOW OWN CAR

• JAMES(?) DECLARES INTENT TO RUN FOR MAYOR, STATES HIS FACEBOOK IS HIS RESUME

• OLD LADY BETTY PROTESTS OWN NAME OUTSIDE ACORN VALLEY LIBRARY, HOLDS SIGN READING “I’M ONLY 20!” AND “JUST AN OLD SOUL”

• HOMETOWN HERO SQUIRREL CORNELIUS JACOBS SCORES EVERY SINGLE POINT YET AGAIN IN FINAL GAME VERSUS RABBITS

• FLAG REDESIGN CONTEST CANCELLED ON GROUNDS OF “TOO MANY NUTS”

• ACORN VALLEY LOSES TITLE OF “MOST TREES PER SQUARE FOOT” TO BORING CITY WITH NO REDEEMABLE QUALITIES

• ACORN VALLEY LAWYERS SUE ACE ATTORNEY CREATORS FOR DAMAGES AFTER REVEAL THAT CHARACTERS ARE BASED ON ACORN VALLEY CITIZENS

• LARGE TREE IN CENTER OF TOWN OVERRUN WITH SQUIRRELS, CRACKS IN HALF. SQUIRRELS TAKE OVER HORSE STATUE IN TOWN