Monstober Baby Please Come Home I Miss You So Bad

By: marnielov3r666

So, has anyone else been spending every day filled with a deep longing for the falls of your childhood populated with orange leaves, pumpkin carving, apple picking, and some good ol’ classic Halloween movies? Anyone else haunted by intense nostalgia everytime the weather starts to cool down even slightly? No? Well, too bad. It’s time to reflect on the highest cinema known to man, or at least known to me when I was like 12.

Let’s talk DCOMs—specifically, Halloween DCOMS. (For the uninitiated, DCOM stands for Disney Channel Original Movie.) Today we’re gonna be ranking Halloween DCOMS from worst to best. This is a very professional list (obviously), so we’ll be sticking to a strict set of rules: if it didn’t air on Disney Channel before anywhere else, then it doesn’t count. And if it did air on Disney Channel first and still isn’t on this list, it just isn’t relevant enough. Sorry </3

Author’s note: My Babysitter’s a Vampire is not technically a Halloween movie, which is why it isn’t here. I would never just exclude the best of the best like that.

8. Return to Halloweentown (Halloweentown IV)

Fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you. Who do you think you are, replacing absolute Halloween queen Marnie Piper? And no Sophie? Literally why did you even make the movie then you pieces of shit???? Did you think you could bribe me with the mermaid from Aquamarine? As if I wouldn’t notice that Marnie suddenly got younger and skinnier? Everyone involved with this movie deserves to burn in hell.

7. Twitches Too

Slayed, but simply not as hard as the first movie. Why were there romance vibes between Alex and her twin sister’s ex boyfriend? Yay for dead dads not being dead but why did we need a man to be the one to finally defeat the evil in the end? And specifically a white man in a story that centers on two black women? Smells a little fishy to me…

6. Mostly Ghostly

Luke Benward my absolute king, acting his ass off in DCOMs since birth. My brother and I loved this movie growing up, we recorded it on the DVR literally every time it aired. However, I simply must dock points for the sequel bait that never panned out and the extremely questionable age gap between the actors playing Max and Traci.

5. Girl vs Monster

Luke Benward my absolute king part two!!! To say this movie produced bangers would be a gross understatement. They put crack in this soundtrack and I truly believe that. Life as a girl really is girl vs monster (the crippling fear of existence) and the writers of this movie understood that like no other Disney writers before them.

4. Twitches

The sun and moon imagery, the Shadowlands as a concept, the twin sisters separated at birth and then reunited, the Halloween birthdays…You simply can’t not say slay!!!

3. Halloweentown High (Halloweentown III)

Served cunt!!!! If you ask me this movie is on par with Halloweentown II, however I have to rank it lower on principle because Dylan freaks out when he finds out the girl he’s been talking to is a bright pink troll. He’s disgusted. Dylan, do you understand the number of sapphics out there who would kill for a hot pink troll gf?? Shame on you.

2. Halloweentown II: Kalabar’s Revenge

SERVED. CUNT. This movie literally included a man made of frogs—what else is there to say?

1. Halloweentown

YOU CAN’T OUTDO. THE DOER. Talented. Brilliant. Incredible. Amazing. Showstopping. Spectacular. Halloween was literally invented on October 17th in 1998.

In conclusion: