My roommate gets free tuition prank

As I was going through the lengthy college research process many moons ago, I came across a scholarly source (TikTok) which informed me that if something were to happen to your roommate, you would be given free tuition for emotional compensation. Now I don't care if universities are trying to deny this and calling it a myth, I know in my heart of hearts that must be true, and I think it's about time we’ve started to use this privilege. So, I am going to fake my own death and scam the college board for every last cent they have.

When I first told my roommate of my plot, she nearly teared up saying I was really going the extra mile for our friendship. Little does she know what I did to skip out on last semester’s textbook fees.

So thus I started my venture to Deg to find supplies for my scheme. It wasn’t hard to gather the necessary equipment, as the rice pot was expectantly in abundance. Given its moisture-sucking qualities, it made the perfect stuffing for the body double I sneakily inserted into the art class curriculum, which they’ve been dutifully crafting with alarming dedication.

I took the body over to Kurtz Lane, as I knew if I did it in my dorm my RA wouldn’t think anything of the screaming. There was a lot of foot traffic outside, so I knew that there would not only be plenty of witnesses to see my gorey demise, but I would get the added bonus of people I never talked to posting thoughtful eulogies on their Instagram stories. 

Anyway, back to my plan! I set the body in the middle of the road, using the leftover ketchup from Benny’s as my blood substitute. I may be a criminal mastermind and all-around genius, but real blood still freaks me out. With the addition of squirrel footprints and fake tire marks over the body double, it was perfect. I mean, it was about time one of those hyperactive little freaks finally sought revenge.

To seal the deal, my suitemates hosted our very own funeral on the outdoor volleyball court; an optimal digging site on campus. Good thing my best friend is a Creative Writing major and wrote a beautiful eulogy, touching the hearts of even my roommate, who was brought to tears not just because she was now graduating with a graphic design degree debt free.

No matter how much thought was put into this prank, I couldn't get rid of the feeling that something was missing. So, for the ultimate stunt, I turned myself into the authorities dressed head to toe in a scarily accurate ghost costume I found in my suitemate’s laundry basket. So, not only did I give them a fright, my roommate is getting free tuition! Who knew that when you were housed with a “borderline psychopath,” the university was required to not only relocate you, but also pay for the remainder of your tuition for any possible ramifications. I am the best roommate ever!

So what if I was kicked from the university and earned myself a spot on a U.S. government watch-list? At least I don’t have to worry about student loans anymore!