New Dorm Planning Proposal

By: A Decrepit Fuck Who Doesn’t Live On Campus

As we all know, the incoming student body has multiplied exponentially each year due to our test-optional status, like dead rats once tempted by an open hotdog cart. Unfortunately, this has led to a whole range of issues in housing. Necessarily, we must take swift and decisive action in order to correct the course and save this institution. Fortunately, I have a multi-step plan to ensure the survival of our offshore bank accounts:

• Step 1: remove and sell all doors and windows from residential buildings. 

• Step 2: Cask-of-Amontillado the current student body in these buildings.

• Step 3: buy a shitton of tents. Steal them from scout camps if there are any near you.

• Step 4: dig a really big pit for shitting and pooping.

• Step 5: capture and release an assortment of wild boars, bugs, and expired supermarket goods onto campus property. 

• Step 6: provide new students with tent and medium-sized rock.

• Step 7: the strongest and smartest shall survive. 

• Step 8: profit.