This Ain’t HGTV, Knock It Off

By: The Property Squirrels

So—the university put some paint over the holes in Deg’s walls, shelling out more money than our broke asses have, and suddenly we’re considering this a renovation? Last time I checked, renovations are supposed to improve spaces and increase functionality, not attempt to distract us from how shitty the food is or our quickly dying hopes of graduating before this place goes belly up. 

Since we like just throwing money at problems rather than actually fixing the deeper issues of this school, here are some ideas—just off the top of my head—of other ways we could be spending our Monopoly money that actually makes students want to die less!

1. Give The Squirrel a bigger budget because we’re awesome and deserve it. Send us on a vacation somewhere as a reward for being the only thing students look forward to besides chicken nugget days and graduation :)

1. Fix Fisher’s telescope dammit so we can have one cool thing on campus.

1. Update the 1900’s looking toilets in Seibert so every time I flush it doesn’t sound like a girl choking on some benched football player. 

1. Cut textbook costs because seriously what the fuck. 

1. Pay your staff more for all the bullshit they have to put up with. 

1. Expand the Writer’s Institute so we can have our damn classes in the building meant for us rather than cramming ourselves into meeting rooms which are below capacity of a regular class size. 

1. Put better mental health services on campus because everything in the world sucks right now, and my rights are being taken away, and we’re all about to burn up, and I’m too broke to afford therapy thanks to your tuition costs, so please give me something here, man.

1. Put a petting zoo in the middle of Smith Lawn so I can touch some sheep and alpacas for comfort after my psychology test rawdogs me for an hour straight.

1. Pay reparations to every English and Creative Writing student who had to take Aesthetics and Interpretation with Dr. Hubbell because I know half of them were driven to alcoholism. 

1. Install a monorail on campus so the unlucky fucks in Sassafrass Complex can get to class without crossing the Bering Strait. 

1. Put a Dunkin Donuts on campus so I can get coffee that doesn’t support genocide, actually tastes good, and doesn’t fuck up my intestines as if I got railed by a twelve inch strap-on. 

Cut the quill’s budget because seriously what do they even do?? I recommend giving their money to us because we are the real news on this campus, and their money will be put to better use getting us our well-earned vacation. I’m thinking Greece, or maybe the Maldives before they sink.