Our Bully Arc

By: The Squirrel 2: The Squeakquel

It has recently come to our attention that some readers may consider us at The Squirrel to be “bullies” or engage in activities that may be considered “bullying” towards other clubs, organizations, or individuals on (and off) campus. While we can (and will) deny the following: we may have taken it a little too far by outing the SU Republicans for their “special” treatment of body pillows and their female peers alike, or that we’ve taken some “rivalry” with the quill too far by refusing to recognize them as a legitimate organization, since they cannot be bothered to print their own alleged “newspaper.” However, we will apologize anyway because if you don’t read our irrefutable truths, your already abysmally boring lives will be that much more empty.

You may be wondering what caused all this since you’re probably unaware that your actions have consequences; basically everyone who’s ever willingly contributed to us their very real thoughts and sentiments are, with all due respect, little pussies who can’t take a fucking joke. Since our methods have been described as “crude” and “unfunny,” we’ve decided to change nothing about the way we operate. Instead, we will (not) be changing our name and logo to lull you into a false sense of security while we quietly settle issues in court and then return to blasting our new brand, which I will now introduce.

Rather than identify as a group of satirists, we will now blatantly identify as bullies. For too long has the average student felt like they “belonged” and that they were “meant to be here.” From now on, we will be making each day you stay on this campus a heavily calculated choice. Prepare for a living hell, Susquehanna! We’ve honestly been really nice to your bitch asses and now you’re going to see just how absolutely fucking nuts we are :)