R/AskASquatch

By: Big Foot

Hello my edible, squishy readers. Plenty of you have been writing to me about what it's like to be an international man of mystery, which is odd since I live a very naturalistic lifestyle and don’t have a permanent residence. I do not know how you freaks keep finding my addy, but I guess it's fine because I stand outside your window and watch your mid cable porn with you (please leave out better snacks than trash). Anyway, to reach you I broke into some shitty school and took out a column in the newspaper to answer a few of your big questions. So let's do this, my “Hair Force 1” army.

Is it true what they say about big feet?

That is an unfortunate stereotype. It’s not about the length of the hiking stick, but how you use it. In other words, no, I may be hung like the shire gelding Sampson but you probably won’t be.

What is your favorite food?

M E A T.

How do I ask a girl out?

Mr. Foot has NEVER had an issue with the ladies. Simply just do your mating call. Mine is this: “AWOOOOOOOOOGA!” This should get the ladies swooning in no time.😎

What’s the best part of living in the woods?

The government has been tracking me for centuries and I still haven’t paid them a goddamn cent. Civil disobedience at its finest.

What are your favorite places to visit at different times of the year?

Nice fucking try bozo.

Can I get a picture with you?

No.

My friends are judging me for my body hair, what do I do?

Rip their arms off and absolutely beat the living hell outta them with said arms. Hair is natural. Only small dicked men and James Corden think otherwise.

How do you feel about the depictions of you shown in cinema?

The Goofy movie was the closest depiction. Everyone else was racist.

Do you have any advice for camping in the wilderness?

Bring a giant bag of beef jerky (teriyaki cuz I’m a wild animal, not a monster) and leave your car unlocked with the keys in it.

How do I Nair my asshole?

…

OK that seems to be all the time we have today! Thank you everyone for reading. I guess now you have a better idea of what it's like to be a super sexy man of mystery. If you do decide to keep sending me letters, my address is “come into my woods and I’ll fucking eat your baby”.

Big Foot OUTTTTTTTTTT.