Squirrel Meat (Squeat, if you will)

By: Dear God Please Help

Warning: If you eat these recipes, you’ll probably die. Don’t do it. Or do, but don’t hold us liable, because we literally told you no.

The Squirrel has aimed its satire lens at many, many people on campus—Dining Services, the President’s Office, even the infamous quill. It seems they’ve gotten really pissed at us this time, because three new recipes are poised for introduction to our dining hall. Each recipe was designed and patented by the aforementioned ‘victims’ (or whatever) . Each featuring squirrel meat as the main ingredient.

Our forces have infiltrated these spaces and stolen the recipes straight from the source. You heard it here first, folks: Susquehanna is trying to feed you squirrel!

We at the Squirrel are shocked and appalled by these new recipes. Admin has rebranded these meals as “quelling the squirrel population” and a “healthy alternative to red meat,” but if the new cafeteria designs prove anything, they don’t know fucking shit. This is no different than the sustainable fish Friday thing, in that this is a direct attack to us as a student body. 

In order to combat the killing of squirrels for subpar meals, students have begun donning squirrel suits to confuse the underpaid hunters. We at The Squirrel advise all readers to do the same, and to refuse eating at deg until these recipes are burned and forgotten by the general populace. And by advise, we mean y’all need to do this. We’re in fucking hiding, they want to fucking cook us. Please, save The Squirrels—because no animal deserves to become deg food.