The Big Squirrel Agenda
By: A Bunch of Squirrels Dressed Very Convincingly in a Trench Coat
Hello fellow nutjobs,
Recently, conversations regarding contemporary media have been revolving around the idea of “representation.” While we understand that white people are threatened by this idea—and have begun to turn the conversation on its head by requiring people of non-white origin to “look” like people of non-white origin (see live action Lilo & Stitch drama)—we here at the Squirrel wish to focus some of the spotlight on possibly one of the most under-represented groups in the history of “the media:” Squirrels. Here are some prominent roles of Squirrels in today’s media!
Scrat from Ice Age: Let's be honest here, when I say coked out Squirrel, we all know who we’re talking about. I’m actually related to them! By them I mean coke addicts.
S.I.M.P from Phineas and Ferb: I don't wanna hear a word. This song has yet to be played at a frat party and I'll be honest, they’re missing out. Every frat boy would get major squssy if they played this absolute masterpiece of a song. Hell, I’d fucking blow you, and I’m a straight white male!
Squirrel Girl from Marvel: She literally wielded the Infinity Gauntlet at one point, is friends with Spider-Man, has been on the Avengers, saved Iron Man’s ass after HE begged HER for a team-up, and is actually really chill like that.
Sandy Cheeks from Spongebob Squarepants: Stephen Hillenburg (may he rest in peace) created one of the most iconic characters in the history of Squirrel representation. She was both the foremost member of the scientific community and a powerful master of the sacred art of karate. Mrs. Cheeks is truly an icon for young, female Squirrels everywhere.
Norm from Phineas and Ferb: This guy has a Squirrel on a wheel for a heart. This was a huge moment for Squirrels everywhere as their contributions to society were finally laid bare. We are all Norm.
Hammy from Over the Hedge: Yet another harmful stereotype of Squirrels being portrayed: the hyperactive, yet hilarious, dumbass. While his Quicksilver moment, where he was faster than God himself, went so incredibly hard and finally gave the rest of the world a look into what it's like to be a Squirrel, his character was not given the depth that he truly deserved.
The SU Squirrel: We are supreme. We are the media. WE ARE THE FUCKING NEWS! Live, Laugh, Nuts. (Balls, even.)
The Nutjob: This movie was rated an unfortunate 5.7 out of 10 on IMDb. But it also has Will Arnett, who is movie daddy. Now, if you don’t know who Will Arnett is, then I suggest leaving the rock you call home, and join me in the Will Arnett Family Fun-Loving Entertainment Club Und Mafia (WAFFLECUM), meeting Tuesdays at 4:15 in Booger Hall. I love movie daddy. I would do anything for movie daddy.
Bucky from The Emperor’s New Groove: It is still inconceivable to me how the most important character in the extended Disney Universe was used as a credits-scene gag. He also got away with saying the fuck word on screen (in Squirrelish), so he’s pretty damn cool.
Pachirisu (the Thunder Squirrel from Pokemon): Became the world champion of Pokemon video games in 2014. This Pokemon’s contributions and absolute dominance during their matches propelled Se Jun to becoming the first Pokemon World Champion from South Korea. However, Pachirisu’s legacy is largely forgotten due to unseen forces like Squirrel-racism and Squirrels having a short attention span. I will never forget you, Pachirisu.
Please visit TheNutjob3.org to make more media with Will Arnett in it. <3
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