The Horrors Persist, But So Do I

There’s always something to be miserable about. Trust me, I know. I write for The Squirrel. Things feel pretty bleak, what with all those pesky unprecedented historical events and the curse that is deciding what’s for dinner, literally every single day, forever. You know, people used to hype up the future as some sort of glorious utopia, but now that we’re here —and do forgive me if I overstep— I say we’ve still got a lot of work to do. They predicted we’d have so much more cool stuff by now, like flying cars. What happened to those? We gave up on that dream wayyy too soon. Instead now all we’ve got is the fucking cybertruck and that’s barely a functional car, like… we can do better than that. 

Anyway, things may seem rather shit at times, but there is hope! We at The Squirrel have been diligently crunching the numbers behind the scenes on our tiny acorn shaped calculators and the results are finally in: we’re back. 

I understand you may be wary of this. People have tried to convince you that we’ve been back a thousand times, only for you to find things over once more. They’ve packaged things as being better than they are— greener, cleaner, trendier. They’ve puppeteered your favorite franchises as live action reboots. It’s been over, it’s been back, and then it’s over all again. It’s exhausting is what it is. I can’t blame your skepticism, but I can assure you, these numbers do not lie. When you factor in the current levels of whimsy and enthusiasm, multiply that by the volume of excellent pop music releases, and make sure you move that decimal, it’s clear. There’s been a shift. You can hear it in the wind. You can see it all around you. 

Unconvinced? I raise you: Adjectives. Good water pressure. A secret, more sinister third thing. Sweet treats. Dreams by The Cranberries. Handwritten notes. Those rare days that Deg is actually good. Halloween. Drinks with Ice. Warm lighting (down with the big light agenda). The confetti on Canvas after you submit an assignment. Complimenting someone on their outfit. Dr. Pepper. Weekly Squirrel meetings. And obviously getting to see all the Squirrels around campus. They’re totally living it up right now. I mean, the Squirrel economy is absolutely flourishing. Squirrel stocks are up one squirrel-billion percent, I don’t know how else to explain it. 

We’ve already had this year’s most anticipated election, the Class of 2028 SGA presidential election— hah! that’s not true. In all earnestness, I expect you to bring the same energy to the polls in November. Being “so back” requires a certain zeal, one that involves being aware and engaged with your future, and the best way to do that has always been to vote. So vote. You’re probably sick of people telling you that, but it’s true, and you should listen.

It shouldn’t be possible, but we my friends are back… let’s keep it that way xx.