University Scrip
To SU board of whatever
There have been abundant complaints brought to the attention of this administration by our student body, chief among them this year being the rising cost of food across campus and the low compensation of various student jobs. As per usual, we have ignored this problem, and while sticking our fingers in our ears and lalalalaing these hooligans all the way to graduation has worked marvelously in the past, it cannot work forever. Such is why I now bring this board’s attention to a solution that will kill two riverhawks with one hockey puck burger.
When I was but a boy, my father owned a mining company in the filth of Appalachia just an hour from here. The workers, like our students, were very dumb and nasty and often held performative riots to protest their “rights”, instead of being polite and shutting up and producing profits for dear daddy. You see, what daddy learned is that you couldn’t behold pearls before swine—they will always demand slop instead. So, my father came up with a clever scrip-wage system, in which the miners were paid with a company currency. It all worked out well enough—save for when the mine burned the whole town down near the end, anyway.
These whiny brain-rotted fetuses want more money AND more food. I say we stand our ground and only gift them the latter—but make them work for it. Raising the amount a meal swipe is worth? Lowering Bento prices? Preposterous! Doing any such thing would be socialist coddling. If they want more meal swipes so badly, have them apply themselves and take care of the labor we are unable to do, and let us reap the benefits, I say! We must condition this generation to the realities of the modern workforce.
An additional note: RAs and Orientation Leaders must NOT be compensated in American currency OR SU scrip in this new plan. Payment beyond a fidget toy, erasers, half-used crayolas, etc. WILL BE REVOKED.
Board Member
Labor Consultant
Mayor of Centralia
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