Upcoming Events and Days
by Malaika Olaoye
Weird national days are constantly cropping up when you least expect it and that includes on campus. So quirky, so cool.
March 18th: Awkward Moments Day
Remember that time you [insert applicable moment]. Your brain will never let you forget it and neither will The Squirrel.
March 26th: Make Up Your Own Holiday Day
One of The Squirrel’s favorite holidays, second only to National Squirrel Day (January 21st)!
March 30th: Litterbox Training Day
First years on campus are still struggling to figure out how to use the bathroom in their times of need, not surprising considering the amount of Pink Whitney they drink. Since teaching them how to use the potty like the big kids they are didn’t work last semester, Residence Life decided litter boxes were worth the try. Starting March 30th, litter boxes will be available in all first year residential buildings.
April 1st: Rapture.
April 2nd: Get Rid of Benny Day
It’s time to get rid of our beloved mascot, so he can be reborn from the ashes of dead River Hawks whose bodies have been sacrificed. It’s also his birthday.
April 4th: Tell a Lie Day
The one day a year where telling your significant other you love them feels more like the truth.
April 12th: Scrabble Day
“SMEAT” is sooo a word. Fuck you, the quill. The Squirrel won that game, and you know it.
April 19th: Sophia’s birthday
In honor of the birth of our Supreme Leader, the squirrels on campus will be granted a mental health day to soothe their woes. After all, the stressed out students on campus are making them nervous. The squirrels on campus need a break more than ever as student’s finals approach.
April 17th: Haiku Poetry Day
is so very dumb.
The Squirrel is cooler.
April 20th: Hitler’s birthday
April 21st: National High Five Day
The Squirrel will ask politely if they can high five your face and will do so regardless of whether you say yes or no. Don’t run. That will not save you.
April 25-29: Devonne Tourre Appreciation Week
We, at the Squirrel, wholeheartedly appreciate Devonne Tourre. He deserves the world. The Squirrel will set up a shrine every year to honor his likeness.
May 4th: Star Trek Day
Go outside and touch grass.
