Upcoming Events and Days

by Malaika Olaoye

Weird national days are constantly cropping up when you least expect it and that includes on campus. So quirky, so cool.

March 18th: Awkward Moments Day

Remember that time you [insert applicable moment]. Your brain will never let you forget it and neither will The Squirrel.

March 26th: Make Up Your Own Holiday Day

One of The Squirrel’s favorite holidays, second only to National Squirrel Day (January 21st)!

March 30th: Litterbox Training Day

First years on campus are still struggling to figure out how to use the bathroom in their times of need, not surprising considering the amount of Pink Whitney they drink. Since teaching them how to use the potty like the big kids they are didn’t work last semester, Residence Life decided litter boxes were worth the try. Starting March 30th, litter boxes will be available in all first year residential buildings.

April 1st: Rapture.

April 2nd: Get Rid of Benny Day

It’s time to get rid of our beloved mascot, so he can be reborn from the ashes of dead River Hawks whose bodies have been sacrificed. It’s also his birthday.

April 4th: Tell a Lie Day

The one day a year where telling your significant other you love them feels more like the truth.

April 12th: Scrabble Day

“SMEAT” is sooo a word. Fuck you, the quill. The Squirrel won that game, and you know it.

April 19th: Sophia’s birthday

In honor of the birth of our Supreme Leader, the squirrels on campus will be granted a mental health day to soothe their woes. After all, the stressed out students on campus are making them nervous. The squirrels on campus need a break more than ever as student’s finals approach.

April 17th: Haiku Poetry Day

is so very dumb.

The Squirrel is cooler.

April 20th: Hitler’s birthday

April 21st: National High Five Day

The Squirrel will ask politely if they can high five your face and will do so regardless of whether you say yes or no. Don’t run. That will not save you.

April 25-29: Devonne Tourre Appreciation Week

We, at the Squirrel, wholeheartedly appreciate Devonne Tourre. He deserves the world. The Squirrel will set up a shrine every year to honor his likeness.

May 4th: Star Trek Day

Go outside and touch grass.