Where Are They Now?

By: Wendy Williams

Have you ever wondered what happened to your beloved childhood television characters? Where did they go after you grew up and moved on from learning their colors, numbers, and lessons on friendship? Well after an arduous amount of months spent tracking down as many of these characters as I could find, I now have the answers you all seek. 

The truth is: it was rough out there for our childhood heroes. Some got canceled, some now work different jobs, and some are still in the entertainment industry, just in different ways. I hope your inner child finds some solace in knowing your favorite characters are now in the same shitty gutter as you all are. 

Barney: Canceled for being pro-abortion. He’s, like, really pro-abortion. Everytime a pregnancy test turns positive he manifests in the vicinity with a coat hanger. 

Teletubbies: Canceled for being anti-abortion, but in a Texas-governor, Bible-thumping, twenty-kids-and-counting, reality tv show kind of way. They’re actively poking holes in condoms across the country as we speak. 

The pink haired girl from Lazytown: She became a TikTok e-girl with an OnlyFans—for only $11 a month you too can see that crazy cake! 

The Wiggles: Stopped wiggling.

Martha (the dog from Martha Speaks): Canceled for saying a slur—this is why dogs and people named Martha don’t deserve rights. 

The Wild Kratz: One of them is now a poacher and the other got arrested for using the animal suits for some incredibly unholy acts. 

Kim Possible: Became a CIA agent—probably assassinated a president somewhere. 

Dora: Teen pregnancy, Las Vegas elopement, suburban mother who teaches Spanish to a class of snotty white kids—you know how it is. RIP Boots, sorry that coyote got to you buddy. 

Mickey Mouse: We do NOT speak of that boot-licking, egotistical, corporate whore in this household!! I mean, who makes a house that looks like themself?? How much harder does the metaphor have to hit you over the head???

Goofy: Sells pot out of his basement to pay for his kid’s college. Good guy, his strains are always the best.