THE SQUIRREL

I would like to begin this ranking by acknowledging that...

Are you tired of your boring 9-5 job in this mundane world? Do you wish that you would randomly get a letter from your now deceased grandfather asking you to leave the city for a more quiet… no wait, that’s Stardew Valley (oops). My tiny, sad, pathetic cubicle is draining the life and soul out of me and I need to get away from the life that is corporate hell. Sometimes reading fanfiction secretly on my phone doesn’t cut it, I need to physically be in these places. My girl Eb

The year is 2026. Your 9-5 job can’t even pay for a single McNugget due to inflation. The government is shut down due to all the geriatric white men going senile. Tiktok’s For You page is choked with AI storytimes and those male pregnancy mermaid videos. You are curled up in the fetal position in the 1x1 studio apartment that you pay $1,000,000 dollars a month to live in, crying, wishing that there was some escape. Luckily, there’s a solution! As one prestigious fuck once s

The following note was found by one of The Squirrel's undercover journalist squirrels, located in a trashcan at the Selinsgrove Denny’s parking lot. My dearest, Wall-E, Bro we are so fucked. I’m writing you this letter on a napkin that slapped me in the face on my way to work using some bank’s shitty branded pen that I found in a fallen bird’s nest. I think the nest was knocked over by a drone. I digress. I didn’t used to think you were real, actually, but seeing how thi

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