THE SQUIRREL

I was scrolling on Tiktok the other day, and came across something absolutely terrifying— a podcast composed entirely of teenage boys talking about the male loneliness epidemic. I sighed and scrolled past, as I often do from Tiktoks nowadays, but something stuck with me. Why are these teens blaming women for what is clearly their fault? They are uninteresting, “too cool for school” (a drop of education would send them into a coma), unfunny losers. But I propose an antidote!

[This article was discovered after it was slipped under the door of The Squirrel headquarters by a group of squirrels, who stole it from a crying music student outside of CCMA. Viewer discretion is advised.] Hello, my name is [CENSORED], and I have been playing the clarinet for almost a decade. Almost a decade too long, if you ask me. Here is my confession. To start, whoever invented the clarinet must have been in association with SATAN. Who the fuck thought “Hey, what if

Hi my name is [MyChemicalPiercetheBlackVeilSirens] and I have long ebony black hair (that's how I got my name) with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way (AN: if u don't know who she is get da hell out of here!) The holy emo trinity. The one thing all angsty middle schoolers could agree on to worship and people are yet again making this a new trend. W