THE SQUIRREL

The year is 2026. Your 9-5 job can’t even pay for a single McNugget due to inflation. The government is shut down due to all the geriatric white men going senile. Tiktok’s For You page is choked with AI storytimes and those male pregnancy mermaid videos. You are curled up in the fetal position in the 1x1 studio apartment that you pay $1,000,000 dollars a month to live in, crying, wishing that there was some escape. Luckily, there’s a solution! As one prestigious fuck once s

The following note was found by one of The Squirrel's undercover journalist squirrels, located in a trashcan at the Selinsgrove Denny’s parking lot. My dearest, Wall-E, Bro we are so fucked. I’m writing you this letter on a napkin that slapped me in the face on my way to work using some bank’s shitty branded pen that I found in a fallen bird’s nest. I think the nest was knocked over by a drone. I digress. I didn’t used to think you were real, actually, but seeing how thi

Please read to the end of the report to hear a word from our sponsor! Washington DC, 2090. Phoenix A, the largest known black hole in the universe, has decided it wants a snack. A particularly annoying snack in the shape of a planet. A planet that sent a robot to probe Phoenix A was aghast at the lack of care for its consent in this probing, and subsequently decided it was our time to be consumed. But in a stroke of otherworldly generosity, the ravenous black hole has offer