THE SQUIRREL

Dear Cinderella (2015),  This isn’t easy for me to write, considering the only hands I have don’t have opposable thumbs, and it has taken me a long time to get the right words together, but I want to express my deepest condolences for ruining your one chance at getting out of that whack ass house you’ve been living in. You are just a young girl trying to have one night of freedom from the oppressive overlord that is your Hella Cunty™ Stepmother, but I don’t think you can rea

Why the fuck did you stop putting CD players in cars? Why do we feel the need to have iPad screens everywhere ? Not only is this thing taking up the entire center dash, but it is so bright that I’m not sure if the light is from it or the asshole with the LED high beams coming at me. I couldn’t care less if ‘consumer demand’ declined, you are ruining my vibes and I hate you. Streaming services are convenient, yes, but I don’t want to listen to ads for half of my drive. I don’

The holidays have finally arrived, a time to be calm and cozy and fail the most difficult holiday game. Whamageddon. Now, if you for some reason have never heard of this game, which would make sense because we were barely sentient in 2010, let me explain it for you. Whamageddon begins on December 1st and goes until Christmas Day. The goal? Don’t listen to “Last Christmas” by Wham! the entire time. I know for a fact that I just lost so many of you, because apparently that is