THE SQUIRREL

If you know anything about me, I recently have become extremely obsessed with tiny clowns to the point where they have overtaken my life. Drawings of tiny clowns, tiny clay clowns, just the vibe of teeny tiny little goobers and I’m sold. Clown anarchy has descended upon my friend group and as we now live in a honk or be honked kind of world, the unworthy had to be weeded out. This obsession started on a humble Tuesday while scrolling through Pinterest searching for somethin

Last Wednesday, the SU Board of Trustees met at 3AM to discuss changes to be made to the University. While the sentiment that the school is unprofitable has been a long-held position by most of the Trustees, the solution to such an issue has often been a simple increase in tuition. But after a surprising proposal by yours truly, in a nearly unanimous vote (35-1), the transformation was all but assured. When asked why she voted in favor of such a massive change to the school,

Hello all aspiring magicians! I’m so glad you all decided to come back for my brand new webinar about the totally awesome and completely real spells that I give away for free! This week we will be going over 3 totally fun new and very much real spells for you to use in your everyday life! Just turn to chapter three of your textbook Totally Real Spellz to begin. Spell 1: how to convince your mentor to pair you with a friend Have you ever really wanted to work with someone on a

On the evening of October 3rd at 7:26 pm, a magician was arrested under the pseudonym The Amazing Magical Blythe, a name he got from a BuzzFeed quiz. The Amazing Magical Blythe had been hired to perform magic tricks in the park for a 10 year old’s birthday party and had excitedly shown up with many props. He started simple, calling a member up from the crowd and, in an attempt to draw the same card as them, he accidentally pulled and revealed the participant’s social securi

Local circus clown Honky-Donkey was arrested this evening on counts of smuggling and illegal possession of goods, where officers discovered evidence of illicit substances hidden in the large shoe compartment of his car. Under closer inspection, the officers determined that these substances were clown shoe enhancing drugs which had been purchased from the Black Market.Authorities searched the vehicle, finding 12 kilos of clowncaine and 5 kilos of LSD (larger shoe drug). Along

5. Capitalism the Clown Say what you will about Bezos the clown; he gets things done. Despite several injuries and lawsuits against his company, this American clown has produced results! The master at making all your money disappear at just the click of a button, at products to mildly inconvenience the non-clown kind, and at unpaid assistants that may or may not get injured, he is truly a fine example of what the ideal clown should be. All he is missing is a flower that squi