THE SQUIRREL

I’m tired of all these wars between different music streaming services. Oh, Spotify has ads, Apple Music isn’t free, Soundcloud is full of freaks, what even is iTunes, blah blah blah, I DON’T CARE! Fuck streaming, bring down the establishment. It’s time to go back to our roots– let’s lift up small, independent artists and local businesses– BRING BACK ROAMING BARDS! Release band kids to the streets! Do your street corners feel empty, blank, silent??? A simple fix: Capture a f

I was scrolling on Tiktok the other day, and came across something absolutely terrifying— a podcast composed entirely of teenage boys talking about the male loneliness epidemic. I sighed and scrolled past, as I often do from Tiktoks nowadays, but something stuck with me. Why are these teens blaming women for what is clearly their fault? They are uninteresting, “too cool for school” (a drop of education would send them into a coma), unfunny losers. But I propose an antidote!

[This article was discovered after it was slipped under the door of The Squirrel headquarters by a group of squirrels, who stole it from a crying music student outside of CCMA. Viewer discretion is advised.] Hello, my name is [CENSORED], and I have been playing the clarinet for almost a decade. Almost a decade too long, if you ask me. Here is my confession. To start, whoever invented the clarinet must have been in association with SATAN. Who the fuck thought “Hey, what if

Hi my name is [MyChemicalPiercetheBlackVeilSirens] and I have long ebony black hair (that's how I got my name) with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way (AN: if u don't know who she is get da hell out of here!) The holy emo trinity. The one thing all angsty middle schoolers could agree on to worship and people are yet again making this a new trend. W

Are you hosting a party, gathering, or event of some sort? Do you want someone else to pick all of the music? Do you want someone to wear headphones in the corner and nod the whole time? Allow me to introduce you to DJ $Q-$Q-$Q-QUIRREL MONAYYY, the newest of Central Pennsylvania’s four DJs! DJ $Q-$Q-$Q-QUIRREL MONAYYY lived on 2010s party music growing up. They knew from a very young age that they wanted to stand in a room with more people than physically possible half danci

We have an official Spotify account now! Check out all our zany playlists and make us a part of YOUR Wrapped this year! https://open.spotify.com/user/31b4graixkgxvcij52kswvguqlm4?si=0a399d5aa605464b The Official Staff Playlist! https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2BJmsMGblZYwwGphQafLrw?si=GIdoNo47QC2uGebOT4Xr8w&pi=gJI2_2trRO6hs&nd=1&dlsi=c1b2aad863bb424f Squirrels Mentioned!!! https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4wsPZmki11RlMvf0FgVp1R?si=D0bigzFNQQeovIldA2Py_A&pi=cOIm1Z8FScebz&

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